“Pirates of the Carribean 4: Lucian Walks the Plank”
Day #29: Last night was another multi-round of Spyder giving me my Alimentum feedings and swashbuckling my bum. He was around more than usual, and even into the early morning, which has been out of character for him the past 2 weeks. It wasn’t until I noticed the hour later in the morning that I realized he didn’t go to work today; perhaps the blimey bloke got shit-canned. While part of that makes me smile to think such, the rest of me knows that means he’ll just be around here more often to torture me, so hopefully his employment in Beelzebub’s Army is still valid. The Dame took over after breakfast; it’s just so much easier when she’s around as my conscience believes a part of her is still amendable to helping me escape. Spyder eventually disappeared outside to hash-out some much-needed maintenance around the compound. I mean, why not–how else are we going to get aired on HGTV’s “Property Brothers: Abductor’s Edition” if we don’t plant some flowers around Crucifixion Rack. Around mid-day Nanna showed up here at the compound again. She’s my main Ace in the Hole for freedom as she appears to be the weak-link regarding my cuteness. But then she and the Dame teamed-up as a Legion of Doom and decided I needed another bath. WHAT?! Didn’t I have one LAST WEEK?! Why the Hell do I need another one NOW?! So here we went again, stripping me down to my birthday suit (have you assholes decided yet on that ACTUAL date, as I believe you got it WRONG yesterday?!), and this time sat me down in a small, cold plastic bin the klepto’s obviously five-finger-discounted from my jaunt in the medical facility nearly a month (see what I did there?) ago. At least Spyder wasn’t here to laugh at me like a hyena as he did last time. But thank the GODS Nanna was still able to video the whole thing! I seriously hope she gets a rash now, and I’ve got a whole tube of that stupid salve of mine that she can put where the sun doesn’t shine! Spyder fired up the grill again while he indulged on a bottle of his own…apparently we’re having steaks tonight. And of course by “we” I meant THEM as again all I received was the damned Alimentum. The whole day pissed me off so much that I decided my only retort was to refuse sleeping and being a pint-sized tyrant myself. Unfortunately I still managed to pass out in the evening before I had caused too much commotion. Nanna was my nightingale throughout the night while the others slept for a lengthy shift.
Spyder’s going to be well-rested for tomorrow….great….
“Lone Survivor 2: A Flash of Hope”
Day #30: Thankfully the extra rest for Spyder and his crew didn’t turn around and bite me in my nonexistent ass. I was afraid the extra zzz’s would only serve to bolster his terror tactics, but for the most part I was left unscathed. The Dame and Nanna looked after me the first half of the day while Spyder vanished into the subterranean part of the compound. I wonder what he does down there. Does he have Minions? Man, I want a Minion….I bet he’d help me escape. After mid-day Spyder and Dame ventured out again, saying something about having to replace the weed whacker; what type of medieval war machine this could possibly be, only the nightmares in the recesses of his mind could conjure. I just pray he never uses it on me. By late afternoon they returned, but his hand brandished no sign of weeding or whacking; instead he fired up the grill again, this time to fix burgers. He actually carried me outside for a short spell, telling me to look at the birds, the trees, the pond…what asshat doesn’t get is that when you’ve been housed in a compound for over 4 weeks, IT’S A LITTLE TOO FREAKING BRIGHT TO SEE ANYTHING! The breeze outside did feel good, and the smell from the grill was something short of an 80’s Schwarzenegger film level of awesomeness. Yet, Spyder’s divulging the outdoors of the compound also showed his hand slightly, as I’ve been trying to figure out exactly where we are. No snow, sand, or salty air…so that rules out the extremes. No mountains, no prairie, no forests. Despite the blinding light outside, I spied other buildings so either this compound is bigger than I thought or we’re in some urban settlement. My hiatus was brief as he had to tend to the grill again (none for me, thanks…I’m good with my freaking bottles, you sum’ bitch!). As night fell, I thought freedom was virtually at my doorstep…after sunset, the walls and ceiling started rattling with the rapports of some epic battle raged outside. Flashes of light, thunderous booms, whizzes of rockets, whistles of some other heroic artillery… this MUST be my rescue party! The battle outside raged for almost an hour until a storm approached, at which point the Dame entered and asked how I enjoyed “the pre-4th of July” fireworks. Spyder’s compound remained completely intact; and I remained utterly alone.
My cell I guess will remain my only refuge tonight…
“Independence Day”
Day #31: The morning sun was nowhere to be seen when I awakened; only gray skies and falling rain which had apparently already cleansed the outside of the smoke and soot from the barrage hours before. It was a tangible expression of my innermost emotion. The compound was already buzzing with Spyder, the Dame and Nanna toiling away with their duties. Spyder tended to me first while the Dame manned the bacon alter and began filling the room with olfactory magic. They filled their bellies without blinking, without a care that the night prior the Wings of Justice could have swooped in and carried me to freedom; while I received another 2 ounces of partially-processed short-chain proteinaceous slurry…I hope every one of you catches “The Clap.” Spyder disappeared back into the subterranean after breakfast, leaving me with the 2 ladies…and then that cursed pink plastic bin came back out. They say one way to defeat an oppressor is to employ reverse-psychology, so instead of fighting the bath I acted like I enjoyed it. The water temperature was kinda nice, and the ladies made sure to keep the water out of my eyes. I think I actually smiled a little. I don’t think I made a scene at all. When it was all over, they let me just lay on my back naked…it was LIBERATING! I just kicked my legs and pumped my arms! Check me out, Gillean! Afterwards, they sported me out in this season’s “Zoolander” apparel; all red torso coozie without arms or legs and took me to “the yard” for my tummy time workouts. I must say, I no longer “worry what it’s like to look really, really, ridiculously good looking!” I had a blast! It almost made me forget that I was being held against my will…that is, until the sun set again. It started suddenly outside with a few pops, a couple bangs, a whistle or two…but soon the whole compound was alive with the rapport of what has to be “The Expendables” coming to my aid! Hellfire missiles?….maybe. Thundering 50 cal?!…I sure hope so! As long as Spyder and his band of swashbuckling scrotum suckers get what’s coming to them, I don’t care if it’s Stallone, Stathom, Crews, Lungren (okay, that’s a lie. Lungren creeps me out as he may also eat me!) busts through my cell door! But despite the hours of Old Glory burning into the night sky, no overmuscled past-their-prime geezers managed to find their way into my proximity. The cannon fire finally ceased. The smoke gently rolled away.
And I was still in my own personal prison…
“Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head”
Day #32: Morning found me resolved that my attempted rescue was foiled once again, though perhaps now hopefully since the location of the compound is known it will only be a matter of time before another Assault on Spyder Rock occurs. Speaking of the colorless ape, he apparently went back to work today as well as Nanna was sent out on assignment, leaving me in the clutches of the Dame. I think she could tell I was bummed as she seemed more consoling. She handed out extra helpings of Alimentum, talked to me, and even looked after me after “the incident.” So apparently it is a well-known fact that I’m just now privy that the more you drink, the more micturition you can expect…which is smarty-pants speak for pissing yourself. Long-story short…I pissed in my own ear. I don’t know how it happened, we’re not going to analyze it or talk about it. It happened, it’s over, we’re done and moving on. But she was very nice to me and cleaned the aftermath of my self-imposed “Golden Shower” from my ear…and my shirt…and the changing station…and the wall. Apparently the lack of proper sheathing of the Red Rocket down below can cause that stream to go everywhere! Just glad Spyder wasn’t here to see it, for he’d still be laughing. Got more time in “the yard” today for tummy time; today noticed the money and zebra hanging overhead conspiring. Now I have to keep an eye on those 2 while still watching out for the lion. Life in the penitentiary is a daily struggle for survival! Spyder arrived back around supper, and the giants put me into some sort of swinging contraption next to them while they ate. You know what’s worse than watching other people eat actual food while you’re fed a watered-down milkshake?…watching them eat while you’re getting vertigo, that’s what! Ironically, before the night was out Spyder scooped me up in his arms and kept me close to him for several hours before turning in.
His body heat must have made me sleepy, as I passed out for most of the night…
“Institutionalized”
Day #33: I think Spyder slipped me a Mickey last night, for I slept longer than I have since the day I was abducted. I’ve noticed recently the boobie barrage has become fairly infrequent, leaving me solely to the Alimentum. I’m not sure if they’re merely changing their experimentation of my feedings or if they think I’ve developed a problem and I’m being enrolled in “Breasts Anonymous”…Hello, my name is Lucian and I’m a boobaholic. The day was fairly uneventful. No further attempts to breach the compound for my rescue. The Dame again cared for me while Spyder was away at work. She’s gotten me to start enjoying bath time now; there’s a really sense of freedom sitting naked and surrounded by water. For some reason, it feels oddly familiar to me, as if it were just yesterday. I’ve tried passing the time by drawing, but I still have no fine muscle control and my movements are that more of a Parkinson’s Disease Fundraiser sponsored by Red Bull. I am gaining some strength from “yard time,” probably the push ups…which really resemble just me lifting my head off of the floor but hey, baby steps, right?! Even when Spyder returned that evening things were pretty quiet.
Nice for a change…
“Reading Rainbow”
Day “34: Spyder was up with me today before he went to work…that bear is NO morning person. The Dame gave me another bath this morning…apparently I lack urinary discretion, but at least it didn’t end up in my ear this time. Following the bath, she introduced me to something new…she danced with me. OK, it was more of music playing while she sang and bounced me on her hip instead of full-on Patrick Swayze moves, but it was still fun! Following our audition with “Dancing With the Captures,” she introduced me to “story time.” Our first book was “Little Owl’s Day”, who’s moral of the story appeared to be don’t listen to your mother when she tells you to go to sleep because there’s so much more fun to be had if you stay awake. I think she is going to regret this story one day. Our next story was “Touch and Feel Baby Animals,” and yes it was every bit as disturbing as it sounds. Not only did it have pictures of some fuzzy animals, the bastards had put a piece of their hide onto the pages of the book and made me touch them. I’m not certain anything more barbaric has been conceived since the Dark Ages. I’m really surprised Spyder wasn’t wearing the poor little animal’s ears on a leather necklace. Our last book was simply a little picture book of red, black and white shapes arranged on a page…the Dame was surprised when it didn’t hold my attention. SHOCKER! Spyder returned later in a foul mood from work…I guess he didn’t get to reap as many souls as his quota demanded. But at least he was nice to me the remainder of the night.
Until tomorrow…
“Hannibal Lucian”
Day #35: Today marks the fifth week of surviving this captivity, and I’m just not feeling it today. There was another urinary incident early morning leading to another bath, which was again quite enjoyable. But aside from that everything served to piss me off the rest of the day. Food helped temporarily, pacifying agents didn’t work, walking/holding/talking didn’t work. Time in “the yard” was pointless. Didn’t want to sleep. I felt like a little Hellcat all day! Even when Spyder returned I was a little spitfire! He conned me into taking a brief nap on his chest, but even that was short-lived. By dinner I think he was getting pretty frustrated with me, putting me in my swing and threatening me with a “Hannibal mask fit with a paci”; well EXCUSE ME if I don’t yet know how to hold it myself! You’ve met me, right?!
I eventually just got mad at both of them and went to bed…
“Lucian and the Fifth Deadly Sin”
Day #36: Today was another “push” day for me…wasn’t bad but it wasn’t good either. My teenie-bopper pissiness continued as a sequel to yesterday. Spyder was gone early from the compound today, which is odd because I could have sworn this is Saturday and the HVAC in this place should have been pumping vapors of magical, perfectly-cured, pan-crisped strips of porcine goodness as well as over-toasted, European-emulated dark brewed swamp water to every corner of this place. The Dame and Nanna worked me over again, but no bath…bummer, I’m actually starting to like those times. Eventually the plan for my appeasement meandered into the folly of The Fallen, and took shape in the form of GLUTTONY. Yes, every waking moment I had where I even THOUGHT about showing my arse was reprimanded with a bottle to my face. My subsequent tryptophan-induced stupors left little fight in me. Spyder returned around lunch and only added to my bulking-up sessions, eventually bumping-up the quantity of each feeding. I think they forgot to tell Nanna, for in the middle of the night I was feeling a little peckish which was answered with her cramming 3x my usual feeds down my pie hole. I thought I needed to shit my spleen just to breathe! This must be what water boarding at Phat Camp is like.
I’d unbutton my pants and put my hand down my crotch if it wasn’t for these damn diaper straps…
“Death Race: Lucian’s Anarchy”
Day #37: Today was a pretty awesome day, and ironically Spyder helped! I awakened from my food coma due to the midnight “snack” with more pep in my step and none of the attitude. Spyder was out again, so I just played with my two Compound Concubines for a good part of the day. The mass feedings continued, though it’s endgame is not entirely clear. When Spyder returned, that’s when things got interesting…we went on another road trip. Not to the clinic this time, but rather to what must have been some kind of arena. On every road trip, I first get strapped into some type of pod which they use to carry me around…I always found this odd because they seem to carry me easily enough without it around the compound. But at the end of this trip, Spyder snapped my pod into some sort of chariot. It had large wheels on the back, smaller on the front, and was nimble as a motorbike. At first I thought he was going to enter me into “The Games,” where I’d either leave victorious or meet my bitter end at the hands of some challenge while he wagered on the outcome. Instead, he took the reins and entered WITH me. We entered this “Babies R Us” coliseum and I could see other chariots with their riders and drivers buzzing about. Spyder wasted no time getting us into the fray, starting out by popping a wheelie and off we went! We turned, we sped up, we slammed on the breaks. He must have intimidated everyone with his tactics as I heard other chariots colliding with obstacles, no doubt trying to escape our path! It was GLORIOUS! We eventually left after vanquishing everyone in our wake and journeyed to another area he called “Meijer’s”. This place was enormous. And while there were a few chariots, mostly were much larger, metal cage carts. But Spyder was fearless in his charges. We raced along the straightaways, did donuts, more wheelies, hurled through frozen lands of every possible meat product as well as zipped along the spoils of the tropical rainforest. He never backed down! And we left VICTORIOUS!
I think I’m going to sleep well tonight. I hope we get to go back tomorrow…
“Lucian: Blood and Sand”
Day #38: I awakened this morning with the Essence of Annihilation that we dished out yesterday throughout the arenas still thick within my nostrils. I felt somehow taller, stronger, more confident even without the Alimentum skeleton developing as I had hoped. When the breakfast bottles made their entrance in the hands of the Dame and Nanna, I must say I was a little saddened not to see Spyder there. I guess work diverted him away again this morning. Nevertheless, the ladies took good care of me and filled my belly as I filled my shorts. Followed this up with a good cleansing of me top to bottom, then dressing me up in some new threads. While my demeanor in the white coveralls was apparently something “just too stinking cute” from the 2 ladies, I can’t help but think they’re going to put me to work painting rooms, as I look dressed for the part. The Dame says I’m set for the beach now…I don’t want to think about sand getting into the nooks and crannies of this diaper. What kind of salve would get slathered on my nether regions then?! After lunch I was just chillin’, minding my own business…then the Dame brought out the Pod. OH WHAT GLORIOUS DAYS!!! We’re heading back to the competition! Moments later, I was snapped into my harness and away we went. Alas, we ended up at “the clinic” but not for me this time but instead for her. Apparently my arrival here in the compound almost 6 weeks ago was just as traumatic on her as it was on me. Spyder came by there as well and helped her, but he had no chariot ride for me this time. Instead, once her visit was complete the ladies took me back to the compound followed shortly thereafter by Spyder. The remainder of the evening was fairly uneventful.
And here I was actually looking forward to chariot time with Spyder…
“Lucian Holmes”
Day #39: Last night was a good night, slept fairly well, Nanna filled my belly when needed. But even by morning I was still just so tired. Couldn’t wake up…not sure why. The morning routine was no different than usual, fairly relaxed. Spyder was off again to work, Nanna and the Dame buzzing around the compound cleaning and doing chores. Then the Dame asked if I wanted a bath…sure, why not. I’ve come to like my little tub of warming relaxation. But today was different for some reason. Maybe the water was just the right temperature. Maybe the air was just right. Maybe it was just Fate. But today…while chillaxin’ in the tub…my hand found my whanker. Granted, I can’t hold my bottle or my paci. I can’t grasp the buttons on my shirt or any of the animals hanging above my head while I’m in “the yard.” But apparently in terms of my “Johnson” I’ve quickly adapted ninja style with a kung fu grip. To say that I achieved a Zen moment doesn’t quite seem significant enough. I’m not sure I was still breathing, but also fairly certain I didn’t care. Even after my bath during the drying and full-body lotion rub-down (perhaps not the best thing to do given my new-found appendage epiphany) I just stayed as calm as can be. The effects were not long-lasting, however…somehow I feel this is foreshadowing for the future…as my bitter mood returned. No amount of food, coaxing, rocking, paci-time or anything seemed to appease me. Spyder returned in the evening just in time for one last attempt at putting me back in my cell, which lasted for a few hours.
Maybe I should have just gotten my whanker back…
“Lucian Scissorhands and the Quest for the Golden Apple”
Day #40: Rough night last night without much sleep yet plenty of attitude on behalf of myself. Still not sure why, but regardless was still problematic for Nanna. In fact, I think I must have been extra-bad for later in the day Nanna left the compound and never came back. Spyder appears to be back on his work routine as it is more common for him to be absent when I awaken than present. I did have the Dame/Nanna duo for the first half of the day at least. Despite my bad attitude, I did have a ray of hope…my Alimentum fingernail katanas are growing back! I noticed this morning that I had apparently cut my nose and my neck, and I even managed to cut the Dame similarly after a few bottles. While I must admit that overall I’m starting to get accustomed to life here in the compound so to speak, I’m still looking forward to springing this joint. All in due time. I haven’t yet decided if I’ll slice through the window and shimmy down the side of the house…wait, still have that damn “lack of opposable thumbs’ control” so better scratch that idea…HA! “SCRATCH”, I MADE A FUNNY! Maybe I can dig through the floor or walls and get out that way, pull a Clint Eastwood “Escape from Alcatraz” moment. Or maybe I’ll just say to hell with it and Jason Bourne my way to freedom! I was continuing to plan my escape into the lunch hour when the Dame and Nanna opted to give me another bath, and that’s when it happened…apparently my newly-found affinity for my hand and my tiny teabags is a bad combination to have when you’re growing stilettos at the tips of your fingers! What started out as a simple self-soothing gesture meant to help stimulate intellectual potential very quickly turned into a reflexive motion ingrained since the Dawn of Man…I think my hand broke the sound barrier while extricating from my Sack-O-Marbles. Thank goodness my grasp reflex didn’t kick in as well, else I may have ended up all “frank” with no “beans.” It wasn’t long after the bath that Nanna went back out…I kinda hope she’s okay as she’s pretty good to me and makes it back safe. The Dame and I spent the rest of the day together, and I couldn’t help becoming more aggravated into the evening. She didn’t do anything wrong, I just got all “red-redded hairdresser named Tiffany” crazy again and was up for nothing but fit-throwing. Spyder sent her to bed when he finally came back to the compound and looked after me throughout the night, which was of course the usual swaddling me up and stuffing me with bottles of liquid “steak and potato.”
At least while I’m swaddled my Kibbles ‘N Bits will be safe…
“Mrs Doubtfire 2: Dookies and Cream”
Day #41: The morning for me was fairly comical…the Dame entered my cell and was obviously repulsed by the stench that hit her like a bag of bricks. Apparently the remedial attitude adjustment that was required came overnight in the form of yet another dookie of Biblical proportion. If I was preparing for a prize-fight boxing match in Vegas I probably would have been able to change weight classes after this episode. She was at least thankful that they had recently up-sized my Taint Tent or else no telling what (or where) all it would have gone. But it did at least leave me briefly in a better mood and with a renewed hunger. Around midmorning a new stoolie came into the compound…Brenda the Nanny. First Nanna was here, now there’s Nanny?…no, this won’t be confusing at ALL! Older lady, seems nice. I’m thinking Nanna must have sent her here in her stead to help the Dame with things around the compound, especially now that Spyder is away most of the day. She seems pretty nice, helped keep me fed and well-mannered while the Dame had to leave the compound for a few hours. Spyder returned earlier than the past few days…I’d almost forgotten what the ugly mook looked like. He looked after me while the Dame took care of dinner for them, followed by yet another bath…no scrotal shenanigans this time, thank goodness!…followed by tucking me in for the night.
I suspect Brenda the Nanny was just sizing-me up today. We’ll see if she comes back tomorrow…
“The Force Awakens”
Day #42: Today is the 6-week mark since my abduction, and it pains me to say that life in the compound has been getting easier. Spyder routinely leaves out early for work leaving the Dame to tend to my morning rituals. Nanna is nowhere to be found, so I might have officially frightened her away for good. Brenda the Nanny showed up again today to test my mettle, but she seems harmless enough. The daytime was fairly mundane…just the usual feedings, nappings, “tummy time” in “the yard.” Brenda left around mid-afternoon, which I later decided I was more than thankful, for today was yet another Sentinel Event. It happened during one of my mandatory undergarment exchanges by the Dame…I don’t really know how to explain it. Maybe a breeze was blowing just right. Perhaps it is supposed to happen at specific times of the day. I even suspect it is a belated effect of the Alimentum, surging out of my body. Regardless, today was the day that Captain Johnson stood at “full attention” at the helm of the S.S. Phallus. For a moment, I thought it was broken…I mean, what the hell does it have to do THAT for?! I’m sure to piss myself in the eyes now! Will it stay that way? How am I supposed to fit that into my undergarments now? And what about the dreaded “bath time”; what if I accidentally whack it on something? If I could hang my towel or change of clothes on it, that would be one thing but I honestly don’t know of a single possible good solution about why it has a need to do this! Fortunately, after a few minutes everything returned to normal; even more fortunate was that Spyder wasn’t here to laugh at me.
The more I think of it, the madder it makes me about how he would have been if he had been here today. I hope it DOES happen to him, too! And I hope I’m there to see the look on his face…
“Riders on the Storm”
Day #43: After yesterday’s “Slicked-back Sabre” scenario, I dreaded what would happen today. Spyder was indeed here this morning, and took “first watch” of tending to me while the Dame prepared their breakfasts…aaannnddd of COURSE leaving me out except for my bloody bottle of formula nastiness. Once everyone’s bellies were full, Spyder announced we were going on a road trip today…I became elated when I saw “the Pod” brought out. Yet, instead of the usual personnel carrier we’d been using for so many weeks, we all loaded into the gargantuan tank of a vehicle that also resides in the compound…I’ve nicknamed it “the Deuce” as I’m sure this thing weight like 2 MILLION TONS! After we were loaded up…and I mean “UP” as I also think we were 20ft off of the ground…Spyder turned on machine and suddenly this loud instrumental ballad with someone yelling started blaring throughout the cabin. There was some semblance of a rhythm and melody to it, but surely this is not a form of music?! Perhaps this is more of an active torture device, meant to scramble my brains and shiver my insides until I shat myself. Fortunately, the Dame somehow reduced the intensity and reprimanded Spyder, telling him I wasn’t “ready” for that yet…I’m not sure one is ever “ready” for that type of noise! Once we got onto the road it was fairly pleasant, and I fell asleep once again. The next thing I knew I was being awakened to the torrential rain beating down across the windows. The roar was ridiculous, and evenmoreso was the haphazard track the storm was taking…first the top of the vehicle was covered in sheets of rain, then one side of the vehicle, following by the front and wheels…damn it to Hell, it was just Spyder and a stupid car wash! Scared the bejesus out of me! I mean, does a Death Tank really NEED to be cleaned?! Of all the atrocities I’ve experienced so far and NOW you’re worried I’ll see the stains of your previous shenanigans spread across overpainted sheets of metal and sunbleached plastic?! I started screaming initially but the Dame came back and consoled me. It helped a little, but Spyder did try to make up for it when he got back inside by saying “Who wants to go to Meijer’s?” Wait?…isn’t that the arena?! Are we going back into the chariot?! YESSS!!! And a short while later, indeed he placed my Pod onto the chariot and away into the arena we went! There seemed to be so many more of the metal cage chariots this time. The Dame drove me this time while Spyder collected items…she didn’t do any wheelies or donuts…BOOO! It was a different feeling having a controlled driver escorting me around as opposed to Spyder’s deathwish antics when he’s at the reigns…but I do LOVE it when he drives! Maybe next time. Once home, I was so excited from the day I passed out in the floor for a few hours, awakened by the sounds of Spyder going outside to fire up the grill again…none for me, thanks! I’ll just suckle ON THIS DAMN BOTTLE! But I have to say overall it was a good day.
I’ve started a tally of marks on the wall of my cell. Unfortunately, I can’t count so it’s just vandalism now…
“Settle Down My Cranky Son”
Day #44: Feeling bitchy today. Spyder wrote me a song:
-Settle down my cranky son
-There’ll be peace when you are done
-Lay your weary head to rest
-Don’t you cry no more
-I tried rocking to stop the noise and confusion
-Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
-You feigned sleep for a precious moment, just to scream once again.
-Through sleepy eyes I might as well been a blind man
-Sleep deprivation has me on the verge of a mad man
-I hear voices when I should be dreaming,
-I can hear them say
-Settle down my cranky son
-There’ll be peace when you are done
-Lay your weary head to rest
-Don’t you cry no more
-Your banshee scream belts out without any reason
-Your sleepy eyes just glance at me and are teasin’
-And if I claim to be a wise man
-Well, it surely means that I don’t know
-On a stormy sea of conflicting emotions
-Thinking of mixing you up a few sleeping potions
-Your mother will never be the wiser,
-But I hear the voices say
-Settle down my cranky son
-There’ll be peace when you are done
-Lay your weary head to rest,
-Don’t you cry no more!
Don’t you cry no mooooorrrrrreeeee. …
-Settle down,
-Don’t you hear the sound of the Sandman
-Settle down,
-Just go to sleep as I know that you can!
-So tiny yet so full of anger,
-Surely some slumber waits for you…
-Settle down my cranky son
-There’ll be peace when you are done
-Lay your weary head to rest
-Don’t you cry no more!
“Mr Hyde 2”
Day #45: My poor attitude carried over from the weekend into today. In retrospect, it may be my new pot-bellied pig appearance since they’ve started upping my dose of Alimentum…it’s not only my whanker that’s jutting-out these days. Still haven’t transformed into Wolverine yet, and with each passing day as I lose the ability to see my feet due to my belly I’m thinking that it’s just not going to happen. Brenda the Nanny came back to the compound today and at one point she thought she could Sooth the Savage Beast with a little “tummy time” in the yard; MUWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Foolish woman. The Dame seemed to be the key today, but she had to restart her military training exercises today; apparently she had to stop going to the “gym” several weeks ago for reasons that are not clear to me. I felt better when she got back home, so long as she was in close proximity to me. Not even Spyder could keep me under wraps when he returned in the evening, though he did give it the ol’ “college try” even in the middle of the night. His words of wisdom to me were “I think someone needs a Dookie.”
Great, his fascination with my toosh continues…
“Pompeii 2: Lucian’s Rain of…Well…”
Day #46: Upon awakening today I cannot say that I felt any less sociopathic tendencies than I did the day prior. Despite Spyder’s insistence on me allowing a No Holds Barred Dookie experience, nothing happened overnight. However, around mid-morning apparently my colonic conscience took his grand advice on a fairly monumental scale…then again later in the day…and even again into the evening. I want to ask if my hair is shorter or if my eyes look a different color after all of these episodes today. But I do have to admit that Spyder was right…my soul did carry a different tune afterwards. Later in the day I heard the Dame ask Spyder if they should switch my diet to Nutramigen this evening…isn’t that the crap Marie Osmond pushes for weight loss?! I am becoming that Tubby that you feel you gotta put me on the Dan Marino “Lookin’ for a Paycheck” plan to whip me back into shape?! Well, just for the record I’m in this situation because of what YOU guys kept pushing on me every time I opened my pie-hole to let out any sound that remotely resembled a cry! Here’s an idea…instead of putting me on pureed papermill products, how about some exercise?! I’ve seen that Jillian and she doesn’t look so tough! And Billy Blanks?!…he knocks out printers and standing water coolers, so BRING IT! Hell, at this point I’d even take a shake weight!
But it looks as though I’m headed to the lunch line at Fat Camp…
“Take Lucian to the River, Wash him in the Water…”
Day #47: Overnight I began by WeightWatchers “This-Is-Living…My-Walnut-Sized-Ass” diet plan, I guess. On the plus side, this stuff smells just as atrocious as the Alimentum, but hey I didn’t want any of that lime pepper chicken anyway. I’m getting used to the brief visits of Brenda the Nanny during the daytime while Spyder is away at work. Since her arrival, I’ve noticed the Dame being able to go out and run errands to restock the place, work outside in the yard (because yes…even Waco, TX crazies had freakin’ trimmed-up boxwood shrubs and freshly-cut roses!)…I think she likes those things as she looks happier getting back into them. Brenda doesn’t give me too much grief; in fact, she might be a bigger push-over for me than is Nanna; perhaps I should start my powers of persuasion on HER to cut me loose! The day itself was fairly laid-back, but after Brenda left I found my Mr Hyde coming to the surface. The Dame did everything she knew, but apparently I can be quite the handful. Spyder returned later than usual today, but helped give me another bath this evening; this time, he held me out horizontal like a sandwich from Subway (don’t you freakin’ think about it, Jared!) and held me over some ceramic pit while the Dame poured water over my forehead…I have to admit, it was pretty nice. I had my fears that this was the real waterboarding to ensue, but Spyder and Dame were both actually fairly kind. I might get used to this. My contentment didn’t last long, but Spyder took watch to help get me to bed.
But why does my stomach feel so funny?…
“Mt Rhysuvius”
Day #48: Let me start by saying I lay here constructing my journal entry after having the crack of my ass spackled repeatedly today with a spatula laden with medicinal buttercream frosting! The night was quiet. My morning was peaceful. The Nanny was…well, Nanny. But the rumbling from the ole bread basket from last night was brought to fruition as this day progressed. I thought I had dookied all I was going to dookie for my entire dookie life a mere 2 days ago…I don’t see how there could have been anything left. But today…I think I must have Cholera. Maybe it’s the Bubonic Plague. Hell, maybe it’s the Zeka all over the news right now! I don’t know what was INSIDE me, but it sure fought to get out. I lost count by the evening of how many undergarments I soiled…perhaps that’s because I cannot yet count, but I digress. What I HAVE learned today, albeit the hard way, is that when that delicate starfish sitting at the bottom of the Mariana Trench starts shifting shades of color like a kaleidoscope, you can bet your…well, your sweet ASS that these jokers are going to slather something in it! Lemme again point out that I had NONE of theses problems before you ass-clowns came around! Then I started drooling…what the hell?! It’s not bad enough for my bum to be constantly wet but now I’ve lost all lip and salivary control?! And then I vomitted…EVERYWHERE. Out of my mouth, my nose, my ears, my eye sockets, my hair follicles. I’m pretty sure I had something unnatural come out of every orifice of my body today except for one hole, and aside from pee I can’t POSSIBLY understand what could come out of the remaining hole! Spyder things that rather than me being “Patient X” and ultimately responsible for the virus that destroys all life on this planet…that more simply I’m not tolerating the Nutramitagen and switched me back to Alimentum. The sickness did slow throughout the night, and I finally crashed in my cell in a deep sleep.
Yep, fast asleep despite a spackled butt cleft. I should have pooped on at least one of them…
“World Wrestling Lucian”
Day #49: I’ve reached the 7-week mark of my imprisonment, and while I’ve yet to see the full scale of this Shawshank Redemption played out, I’m just happy to still be alive. While my undergarments might as well read “Duncan Hines” as the contents have been frosted in every means possible now, apparently they are sticking to their story of “it’s for your own good.” Somehow I feel that phrase is going to get quite a bit of mileage before all is said and done. On the plus side, since my dietary changes from the other day I no longer feel like a Play-Doh Factory in hyperdrive. Today I found myself down in “the yard” moreso than previous days. Both the Dame and Brenda the Nanny took turns with me down there having me roll over from stomach to back, kicking my legs and swinging my arms. At one point, the big motion picture screen on the wall showed a clip (it almost seemed like an advertisement) for something called “WWE: Smackdown.” From what I could gather, it’s very similar to the arena at Meijer’s, but without the chariots! I can only assume they are upping my training to get me into the “ring” (which is such a stupid name, since the damn thing is square and not circular). The gladiators in that arena seemed very skilled…I’ve got a long way to go! But if I get to the point where I can “Tombstone Piledriver” Spyder, then it’s TOTALLY WORTH IT! By the time Spyder returned home in the evening, I was just chillaxin’…can’t let him know what I’m up to just yet.
Of course, if those damn Alimentum blades had ever come in I wouldn’t need the mat time. I guess if my tally-whacker ever decides to get that Alimentum surge like it did last week I could at least poke him in the eye with it…
“Deliver us from Frida”
Day #50: Just when I thought the days around this place were starting to grow on me…just when I think things aren’t all that bad…just when it seems that they’ve decided that perhaps torturing me is not really worth the effort…they reach a new level of depravity. The morning started out easy enough; the Dame was caring for me as Spyder was off at work again (could have sworn this was Saturday, so why isn’t he home?) and she was having me perform more mat training for my upcoming gladiator matches. Idle conversation revealed that Nanna was on her way back to the compound; she’s been gone for quite some time on this assignment. I’m just glad to hear she was able to come back. I had noticed…and much to my chagrin, so did the Dame…that I was feeling a little “stuffy” in my nose. I didn’t think much about it at the time, but she became fixated on it. And then she said it…”We need to clean out your nose.” Okay, so gentle Kleenex? Maybe a wet washrag? Your fingers are pretty big, girl! How are you going to get up in my tiny nose?! Maybe you should use Q-Tips? And then out came “the tube”…the “Nose Frida” as she called it. By the Gods, is this what it is like to be probed after an alien abduction?! And Frida?!…what the hell kind of name is THAT?! Apparently it’s an acronym for “Forced Rigid Insertion of Damnation and Abomination”! The small plastic tube got stuck up one side of my nose and then the started inhaling on the other end. Are you trying to suck out my brain?! And then she did the other side and asked “Isn’t that all better?” Oh, I don’t know…if someone just tried to Dyson-Never-Loses-Suction the underside of your skull exactly how much BETTER would you feel, lady! And ironically this wasn’t Spyder’s idea, for he wasn’t home yet; apparently it was some other giant called Michelle (whom I’ve never seen around the compound, but has now sky-rocketed to the top of my proverbial shit-list) whom recommended and obtained the medieval cranial evacuator. While I’ll admit I could breath better afterwards, I’m not sure it’s worth it.
Then a horrid thought…what if I have trouble peeing?!…
“Into the Grotto”
Day #51: I must admit I had a hard time sleeping last night with the fears of what that damned tube and what else may lie in wait for me. Once again Spyder was out from the compound in the morning, which I REALLY thought I would be smelling some bacon by now. The Dame and Nanna was there, though, and I think they felt bad about the “cranial cavity extrication” procedure from the day prior as they were really nice to me today. I’m still not going to admit that I do indeed feel like I’m breathing better. After some breakfast and exercise time in “the yard” they decided it was time for another bath; but they asked me if I was ready to try out my new tub. Good God, what the Blue Blazes could they be talking about now?! Color me impressed when I actually saw the contraption…it was in some ways similar to my Pod for the chariot races, yet more spacious. She had me reclined back, there were places to lay my arms out to the side and my legs splayed out in front of me. The water was the perfect temperature and just caressed over me. She gently wiped over me with a soft rag. This must be how Caesar felt! There was a slightly scary moment when my junk kinda got smashed-up against a part of the console, but no permanent foul. I was just about to tell Nanna to go fetch me a cluster of fresh grapes and to entertain me for I was bored…but then I realized I could neither talk nor chew anything that isn’t the consistency of rice water to I opted to simply stay quiet. Following the bath, the Dame dried me off well and gave me a massage with some type of lotion. It was HEAVEN! I felt so relaxed!
So relaxed that shortly thereafter I pooped….everywhere…and repeatedly. Now for a nap…
“Changing of the Guard”
Day #52: I’ve feeling verklempt since I missed out on any bacon aroma this past weekend. Apparently Spyder had to work extra, and again he’s gone out early this morning. Nanna left about the same time; not sure where her assignments will carry her this go around. Brenda the Nanny returned and helped the Dame look after me again today; it seems that is going to be the norm around here at least for a while. Yesterday I had a ray of hope of escape; Nanna said she was going to just kidnap me and she and I would run away. She’s pretty good to me, so I could live with that. Alas, when her caravan left this morning I was still to be found here in my cell. Still, it wasn’t that bad of a day. Both the Dame and Brenda read stories to me, which is nice. Plenty of rec time down in “the yard”; still a long way to go before I’ll be ready for the arena. When Spyder returned in the afternoon, he looked after me for a while before heading back underground for his own training. Just me and the Dame chilled for the night.
And by chilled, I mean I started acting like a little hoodlum…
“The Return of Mr Hyde”
Day #53: Not sure what happened last night, but I couldn’t help showing my ass to the Dame before bed for a few hours. I had fresh diapers, a full belly, attention via a bath with massage…but I just still didn’t want to do anything but raise a little Hell. By this morning I was feeling fine, in fact slept probably better than usual. Brenda the Nanny even commented how “passed-out” I was. Yet again, by the time Spyder returned to the compound that afternoon I had started to feel the “itch to bitch.” Spyder put me into the swinging contraption, which might as well had just been called the “piss the Lil’ Bugger off” chair. He fed me, patted my back and walked around with me…yet if I had teeth I still would have just bitten him for the spite of it. He eventually descended to the lower level of the compound for training while the Dame tried to lull me to sleep. It took a while, but eventually I don’t remember anything else.
Maybe she Roofied me?…
“Groundhog Day”
Day #54: My tick marks on the headboard of my cell keep getting more numerous, but the days are blending together now. I get up, and Spyder is gone. The Dame gets me ready for the day, and then Brenda the Nanny shows up. I eat, I exercise /train for combat, I sleep.. I repeat. The only variable is what time Spyder returns to the compound. Sometimes the sun’s up, sometimes it’s setting, sometimes it’s dark. At least now I can count on my nightly witching hours of 7-10p (anyone else think it’s weird how I can tell time yet I can’t count to save my buttered-ballsack to save my life?) to provide an anchor.
Am I Bill Murray? …
“Gonna find me a gal that likes Golden Showers”
Day #55: Wet, lather, rinse, repeat…today was yet another sands through the hourglass (and really, could they NOT have come up with another opening since the inception of that stupid soap opera?). Spyder’s off at work early. Dame gets me up to clean and feed me. Brenda the Nanny arrives for her time up on “The Day’s Watch” (which is kinda like “The Night’s Watch”, but warmer, more sun and fewer blue-eyed zombies trying to kill you). Diapers, bottles, burping, hand-to-hand combat training exercises while on my back in “the yard,” and nap time…the whole thing is fairly incessant. However today I did get to put some of my training to use. Brenda the Nanny started changing my diaper when I decided to let loose a little sprinkle-action. She was quick to cover me right back up, and waited patiently for me to finish…yet little did she know that the entertainment monitor had been left on “Kung Fu” and the Zen Master had taught this Lil’ Grasshopper about self-control. Just when she thought the coast was clear and uncovered me, I set forth a golden array all over her shirt and arms. Got myself too, but totally worth it. I smiled, more than a little bit.
Even Spyder cackled when he heard the news. Maybe he’s rubbing off on me…
“Did someone say ‘Chimichangas’?”
Day #56: Another good day around the compound. Today marked Week 8 of Captivity, and just like the new slaves of Capua adjusting to a life geared towards the Arena, I too am adjusting. Training is going well; I think my legs may be my deadliest attribute as I’m getting pretty good at kicking. Nothing major happened during the daytime, but by late afternoon two members of The Cartel visited the compound. The first one called himself “José”…REALLY?! Couldn’t come up with a more unique Hispanic name than that?! Where are your 3 brothers Jesús, Carlos and Pedro? José…my ass your name is Jose! In fact, I’m fairly certain he name is actually Rey Mysterio Jr, and since I didn’t feel like being “619’d” today I kept my mouth shut. Accompanying “José” was RoseMary…aye yai yai! Now SHE can come around any time she wants! Spyder let her hold me and I just couldn’t help but wonder…if she looks like this, how the Hell did he get so WHITE?! I mean, damn it man! Walk past a window every once in a while! She seemed very nice while she had me, but I don’t think I’d want to be on her bad-side…by the look on “Jose’s” face, I think he may have seen her bad-side once or twice. They stayed for a short spell before getting back on the road…what product they were overseeing in transport I don’t know and I want to live a while longer so I didn’t ask! And my reward for playtime with the Chimichangas?…got sent back to my cell to sleep.
Yep, he’s truly a whitey…
“Well Clarice, have the Lambs stopped screaming?”
Day #57: Another weekend upon us here in the compound, and much as everything changes it clearly stays the same. Spyder was present this time when I awakened and didn’t venture out to work this time. There was still no bacon aroma permeating my clothing today; Spyder was feeling more like cooking up incarnations of chickens yet to be born! WHAT?! Just when I think he’s perhaps not quite the monster I think he is, now he’s popping unborn chickens into a scalding pan for his own palatable pleasure?! Animal! Though, I will admit that they did smell scrumptious. Nothing otherwise significant happened around here today…we trained down in “The Pit” as I’ve started calling it now, more bulking feeds, resting to recuperate for the next session. While the routine of the day and night here is becoming almost clockwork (almost as if I’m on some sort of schedule), my own persona seems to be developing a clockwork demeanor as well. The day hours, I seem fairly content, happy, even laughable at times. But every night around 7pm or so, I can’t help but start to fuss, whine, grunt, cry. Spyder has started putting silver crosses on my forehead in an effort to banish the Lycanthrope out of me, but it obviously does no good. Doesn’t seem to correspond to the phases of the moon, anyway. I eventually turn-in around 11pm every night, but not without the Dame coming in and settling me down.
Maybe Spyder is right when he says that sometimes I’m just an asshole…
lucianrhysharned 